I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
