I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
