So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
