whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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