Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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