You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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