I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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