You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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