Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
