Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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