I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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