Since when is my name a synonym for head?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
