Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
