Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
