I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
