I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
