A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Too much gin, very little bucket
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We need to get me chipped asap
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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