...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
