Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
