Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
