Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
