SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
