3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
