i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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