y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
