if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
