You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
