I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
