My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
