I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
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I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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