Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
