I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize