I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
