I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
