I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
