There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
