her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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