at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
