My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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