Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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