I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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