My liver just broke up with me...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Last time i carry you out of a forest
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
