I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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