Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
