you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
