Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
