Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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