there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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