So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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