a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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