you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
