I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
