I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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